Heartlines

Just keep following /The heartlines on your hand / Just keep following / The heartlines on your hand / Keep it up / I know you can / Just keep following / The heartlines on your hand

This song by Florence and the Machine has been floating around in my head for a little while. I don’t think that I had really listened to the lyrics until one occasion recently when Dylan and I were driving back from Arizona. It was a Sunday night, and I was dreading the thought of going to bed only to have to get up in a few hours for work in the morning. Dylan was singing the song to me as it played and at that moment, the meaning of the words really hit home.

It’s been while since I’ve written on my blog. Partly because I have switched jobs and found it difficult to scramble some time and thoughts together to write about. I’m now working for a well-known fibers company. It seems that when you really put out your hopes and desires to the Universe, it listens. While I’m just pulling orders and not designing or getting to make anything, and the commute is rather a grueling journey, I’m in a much more positive environment for my creative self. But now that I’m only working 4 days a week, Thursdays are my Fridays and I’m trying to use the extra time to create things.

Except that doesn’t always happen.

Most of the time, at least, the past two months, when I’ve been trying to work on things some part of it doesn’t work out. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to make molds for miniature animal heads for a while now. I think the silicone method we tried will work, however, it is very time-consuming. I have a couple more ideas to try.

I did do some natural dyeing with The Northwoods Hat kit in Logwood from A Verb For Keeping Warm that Dylan was so kind to gift to me for Christmas. And I did finish felting antlers for my deer. I just need to figure out how to attach them. All in due time.

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On top of all of this, the house seems to be a mess a majority of the time, and I’d rather work in a clean environment than a messy one. 

However, all of these things are excuses. It’s not that the house is too messy that I can’t make things, it’s that my brain thinks it’s too messy so makes up an excuse to not work on art. Just like when in school and you have that huge test to study for... when all of a sudden - THE ROOM IS A DISASTER I MUST CLEAN EVERYTHING!!! It's not that I don't have the time in the evening to work on things, but sometimes I am very tired of being on my feet all day, and driving does take the mental energy out of me. I think there is a lesson in discipline here somewhere...

Progress happens, but it's slow. I feel passionate about what I want to do, I just have to keep on doing it. I know something will come of me making my art. Just because I can't support myself on it now doesn't mean that I will never be able to. I just have to keep following the heartlines on my hand, just like Florence says. Keep it up. I know you can. 

Playing the Waiting Game

Some day I will get back into a routine with blogging.  Life just kind of gets in the way sometimes.  I wish it didn't have to, but I suppose if you're working toward a goal, it has to.

I was sitting down with my uncle last week and we were discussing my jobs, job hunting, interviews, and what is it that I really want to do.  He was trying to understand how I can make a living through Fibers.  The truth is that I can't right now.  I have to work for it.  

I know I can't just start up a studio right now because I don't have the money nor the knowledge on how to do something like that.  Sure, I can set something up, but I can't really pay for it, or sustain it.  There's money that goes into rent and supplies and whatnot, and what if I don't sell what I'm making?

My parents directed me to an article about an Etsy seller after commenting that maybe I should do that on the side. The ironic thing is that the article is called Secrets of the Richest Seller on Etsy and yet, no secrets are actually disclosed.  Even at the end of the article it says something about doing the research to be successful on Etsy.  Guess what?  No links or resources to assist in doing said research.  I think it's a poor article to be sure, considering no other information was given other than linking to the person's shop and website a bunch of times.  At least I have the mind to link to things when I talk about them so you, dear reader, don't have to go off searching the web for whatever it was I was talking about.

Anyway, stepping off my soap box.

I'm awaiting an answer from a job this morning.  If I get it, I'm starting on January 5th!  If I don't, then it's back to the drawing board.  It's a funny feeling to be standing at one of the many crossroads of life.  I'm so nervous.  I've had two interviews with the company already this past month, and I wasn't so nervous for those, which is good.  

EDIT: I have been accepted for the position!  Guess who is moving to San Diego?!

In Regard to Yesterday's Quote

Yesterday's quote really hit home for me this week.  In the past couple weeks I haven't been feeling 100% about myself.  I think I was either working too hard, or my body was trying to get me sick, or my hormones were going crazy...but all in all, I was beginning to lose all hope about things that were important to me.  Namely, I was losing hope about my San Diego dream. Ever since maybe Sophomore or Junior year of college, I had this dream that I wanted to move to San Diego, have my studio by the ocean, make art and give small workshops for adults on Fiber Art.  Or maybe not by the ocean, but close to it.  The closest I've ever felt to achieving this dream was when I was doing my internship during Summer 2012.  But in the last couple weeks, I felt as if everything was slipping.  I don't feel as if the connections I have there are strong enough to achieve anything.  I feel like bridges are being burned.  I'm not sure I could afford being there.  And the jobs I'd want, no one is hiring for or they can't afford to have me.  I know this is all negative thinking.  I feel stuck.  I just always thought that I might be in San Diego by now.  Maybe that's naive of me.  I've talked it over with various people and a lot of them have been saying that I don't need those connections.  The connections I had before don't matter right now, all that matters is that I go out there and try to achieve my dream.  Which I understand, but San Diego holds a lot of memory for me, good and bad.  Do I really want to be in that environment?

And then I found the quote for yesterday:

“Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may still exist but you have ceased to live.” – Henry David Thoreau

Exactly.  If I don't have San Diego, then what do I have?  Routine.  Monotonous routine.  I've seen myself start to fall into that.  I've created a chore list for myself that I try to repeat every week, and that's all I've been getting done.  At least the house is somewhat clean, but it's not really.  I have my knitting projects, and sometimes I sit down to read, but every weekend I'm off to work and I feel like that ruins my creative motivation.  I've considered looking for a new job, but it'd have to be here for a little while.  I feel like I'm holding myself back.  I try to take steps to get myself to my dream, but it's those steps that are stopping me.  Maybe I should just get up and go?  Just pack everything up, take Stella, and go?  There's a couple of Knitwear Designer jobs in Irvine which isn't too far from San Diego.  Maybe I should apply for them and see?  But I also am looking forward to moving into a house with Damian and Arlyn this summer.  I just don't know.  Timing is never right.

But again, going back to that quote, I need to keep my dream in mind, or else I don't have anything else to strive for right now.  So, that's my motivation for today.  Other motivation is to organize sewing patterns, clean and organize papers in the car, and work more on my Embrace Sweater I started last week.  Hooray!

What are you proud of this week? And other news.

Hey!  I made it to Friday!  And you did, too!  What did you accomplish this week?  I kept on schedule with the blog this week, so that's something to be proud of.  Other things that happened this week that I feel proud of are that I joined a gym and had my first workout last night.  While I was expecting to feel super sore today, because, let's face it, Megan doesn't work out...she just sits there and knits, I don't feel that sore.  I feel little twinges in certain muscles, but nothing that is confining me to one spot.  So yeah!  That happened!  On my way to being in better shape! I also started a baby hat I promised someone months ago (way before the baby was born).  As soon as I finish it, it'll be ready to wear.

This cold (or whatever it is) I've been battling has still not gone away.  I feel like I'm getting better, and then my nose gets stuffy all over again.  I'm wondering if it's more allergy based because they have been doing a lot of reseeding around my apartment complex.  I also had three teeth fixed on Wednesday morning.  Stupid cavities....two more to go in a few weeks.  Meh.

The boyfriend has been sending me lots of job postings.  He even found one in San Diego for me last night and urged for me to apply.  And I really want to...but I think part of me is scared, due to the fact that everything in my life is here now, and not so much over there anymore.  That isn't to say that I don't still want to end up in San Diego.  I think what is mostly holding me back is that my lease here at my apartment doesn't end until April (then where I'm going to live after that, I have no clue).  That, I'm a horrible packer when it comes to moving and I just have TOO MUCH STUFF.  Step one would be for me to start getting rid of a lot of stuff...but I have no clue where to begin at the moment.  I'm not sure I can afford San Diego right now either.  It's all very scary to me and I need to talk to people about it, mostly my parents.  I still feel like I'm tied down to them when it comes to anything job or living situation related.  I take their opinion very seriously, but I know I need to really branch out on my own and make my own decisions.  Sometimes it's just difficult because I know if I don't have their support, I'll feel even more lost.

Anyway, hopefully I can get something done today in regard to cleaning my room and organizing stuff...and possibly making a pile of things to get rid of.  I know I'll feel so much better and uncluttered if I do that.  And then maybe I can start thinking about more job opportunities.

Have a good weekend!