The Fine Line Between Childhood and Being an Adult

When I was trying to come up with my goals for one of my previous posts, I had a difficult time looking too far into the future.  I discussed it with a few people and the subject of marriage and kids turned up.  I think because I have such a hard time looking forward even into the next year, nevermind 5-10, I don't even want to imagine the possibility of either of those two things happening.  First off, I don't really have a steady relationship at the moment (I do, but I don't…it's far too complicated to explain here and it'd bore you anyway) and while I'm fully invested in that, I'm not sure where that will go.  Second, I'm a nanny.  I babysit kids all the time.  The last thing I want to do is have to take care of my own kids right now.  Emphasizing the notion of how I don't feel grown up, I want to live my life a little and feel a little more like an adult before settling down.  I'm watching so many people around me getting engaged and married, even pregnant, at a young age and part of me wonders what I'm doing wrong (or right in some cases).  The other part just dismisses it and goes back to focusing on my school, my art, and my own problems and worries.  Let's get that all sorted out before bringing someone else into the mix, shall we?

I'm 21.  I don't feel like I'm 21. I've been 21 since December.  For most of my college career, I've been assumed to be younger than I really am.  When I turned 20, I celebrated with my family by going to a movie and to dinner at the White Chocolate Grill.  My Dad asked our server how old he thought I was.  He looked at me and hesitantly said, "13….?  16….?"  Shaking his head with a chuckle, my Dad said, "Nope, 20."  Another time, we went in as a family to get our passports renewed at the post office.  The fellow assisting us didn't even ask me to sign my form because he thought I was under 12.  Dad says I'll be carded for a long time, and everyone says to be thankful I look so young.  I suppose I can't really complain in that aspect, but I just want to feel like I am this adult who can go out in the world and do things.

Something else I wanted to discuss on the topic of still being a kid was my absolute love for Disney.  I grew up going to Disneyworld every four years or so, I've been to Disneyland multiple times, I have books, pins, and listen to podcasts on the subject.  I can spew off a number of facts about rides, the parks, and more if you just ask.  The last time we went to Disneyland every time we got off a ride, my family would crowd around me and ask, "What next, Megan?"  Now, here comes the adult thing about my love for Disney parks.  I didn't want to rush.  That seemed to be the childish thing to do.  I wanted to take my time.  Meander.  Enjoy the park while I was there.  Take in the sights, sounds, and smells.  They wanted to take in the attractions as fast as possible.  I wanted to take in that and more in a paced way.

Disneyland is on my mind because my brother is getting to go there with a friend this weekend.  He's going to California, Disneyland and the beach.  My parents are going to spend a long weekend in Kansas visiting one of my sisters, her husband and their children.  And I will be here.  In Arizona, at school.  Maybe it is the adult thing to do: to accept my lot and use the weekend to work on my projects.  Nevertheless, how I wish I could be traveling this weekend.