Yesterday's quote really hit home for me this week. In the past couple weeks I haven't been feeling 100% about myself. I think I was either working too hard, or my body was trying to get me sick, or my hormones were going crazy...but all in all, I was beginning to lose all hope about things that were important to me. Namely, I was losing hope about my San Diego dream. Ever since maybe Sophomore or Junior year of college, I had this dream that I wanted to move to San Diego, have my studio by the ocean, make art and give small workshops for adults on Fiber Art. Or maybe not by the ocean, but close to it. The closest I've ever felt to achieving this dream was when I was doing my internship during Summer 2012. But in the last couple weeks, I felt as if everything was slipping. I don't feel as if the connections I have there are strong enough to achieve anything. I feel like bridges are being burned. I'm not sure I could afford being there. And the jobs I'd want, no one is hiring for or they can't afford to have me. I know this is all negative thinking. I feel stuck. I just always thought that I might be in San Diego by now. Maybe that's naive of me. I've talked it over with various people and a lot of them have been saying that I don't need those connections. The connections I had before don't matter right now, all that matters is that I go out there and try to achieve my dream. Which I understand, but San Diego holds a lot of memory for me, good and bad. Do I really want to be in that environment?
And then I found the quote for yesterday:
“Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may still exist but you have ceased to live.” – Henry David Thoreau
Exactly. If I don't have San Diego, then what do I have? Routine. Monotonous routine. I've seen myself start to fall into that. I've created a chore list for myself that I try to repeat every week, and that's all I've been getting done. At least the house is somewhat clean, but it's not really. I have my knitting projects, and sometimes I sit down to read, but every weekend I'm off to work and I feel like that ruins my creative motivation. I've considered looking for a new job, but it'd have to be here for a little while. I feel like I'm holding myself back. I try to take steps to get myself to my dream, but it's those steps that are stopping me. Maybe I should just get up and go? Just pack everything up, take Stella, and go? There's a couple of Knitwear Designer jobs in Irvine which isn't too far from San Diego. Maybe I should apply for them and see? But I also am looking forward to moving into a house with Damian and Arlyn this summer. I just don't know. Timing is never right.
But again, going back to that quote, I need to keep my dream in mind, or else I don't have anything else to strive for right now. So, that's my motivation for today. Other motivation is to organize sewing patterns, clean and organize papers in the car, and work more on my Embrace Sweater I started last week. Hooray!